The only sign this week of anything vaguely MW related, was Alf's appearance in The Arms last Wednesday, when he used the hashtag 'KeepSmiling' to post, "Why?". He followed this up with, "Grow up? Why", and then, "Live Well? Why". I welcomed Alf with a "Good evening", to which he replied, "Bad Morning". I then pointed out that he had everything any man could wish for, and that his days should be full of light, to which he replied, "I am much happier in the dark."
Before disappearing, Alf asked, "Troubadour or trobairitz?", and then signed off stating, "Sylvia Plath had the right idea".
SYLVIA PLATH - TOOK HER OWN LIFE AT 30
It would appear that Alf, whoever he may be, is not in a particularly good place at present. Morrissey meanwhile, is in LA - no doubt living life as an International Playboy.
In the absence of anything MorrisseysWorld related, here is another old MW classic, in which Our Mozzer brings up the subject of David Roper's gout with Jonathan Ross! (Ed - Was this an 'in joke' between Moz & Wossy? I can find no reference to such a thing on google!):
SUNDAY, 21 JULY 2013
The Art Of Doing Nothing
Seminal artiste Morrissey is sitting in the centre of the sitting room in his hotel suite, sipping tea with a copy of The Times. Morrissey's associates are sitting in a circle around him, each precisely seven feet and four inches away from him. They are: Boz Boorer (guitarist/musical director); Mikey Bracewell (former novelist); Mam (Mam/financial manager); Jonathan Ross (Speech impediment campaigner)
Morrissey: [looking up from the letters page] It's a little cold in here.
Boz Boorer: Would you like me to turn up the heating, sir?
Morrissey: Absolutely not, Boz. I've just had to cancel a tour on financial grounds, in case you hadn't noticed old son. Is it not enough that lugging around one's morbidly obese musical director has effectively bankrupted one's South American tour? Must you also seek to spend my pennies on quite unnecessary central heating costs? Are you trying to ruin me, Boz?
Boz Boorer: I'm very sorry, sir. It won't happen again, it certainly won't happen again, sir. You won't find me making that same mistake-
Morrissey: -Shut up, Boz.
Morrissey returns to the letters page, tittering at something.
Jonathan Ross: [dunking a ginger snap in his Ceylon] Well, this is lovely, Mozzer!
Mikey Bracewell: Yes, it's delightful, Morr-ee-say-
Morrissey: -Though a little chilly. Stop dilly-dallying, Boz-
Boz Boorer: [standing up, bowing and looking worried] -May I get you an umbrella, sir?
Morrissey: Boz - we're indoors. How exactly would an umbrella help?
Boz Boorer: -I was just going to ask you the same question, sir...
Jonathan Ross: You're a right 'un Boz!
Boz Boorer: That's funny - Mrs Boorer tells me I'm a wrong 'un, Mr Ross!
Morrissey: Am I still alive, or is this actually the afterlife? The tour cancelled due to Boz's spiralling weight and consequent transportation costs - no I won't purchase a winch; now I'm trapped inside an expensive hotel room with him - could this be Hell?
Mam: [Gazes up from her knitting] Be nice to him, Steven. Boz is one of your best friends.
Boz Boorer: [blinks a lot]
Jonathan Ross: I think Ms Dwyer's right, Mowwissey! It's time you gave old Boz a pay rise!
Mam: [smiles, nods, returns to her knitting]
Morrissey: [licking his lips] Yes because we all know how well you paid the four poofs over at the BBC, Jonathan. Is David Roper still having to sell his door knobs to get his gout seen to? I haven't received a begging letter from him for months - has he died?
DAVID ROPER ON YOUR RIGHT, SMILING DESPITE SEVERE GOUT
Jonathan Ross: Gout is a disease of affluence, Mozzer! Proof of how generous we were! And no - David is doing very well indeed!
Morrissey: How much did Mr Roper earn in a year?
Jonathan Ross: £80 000!
Boz Boorer: That's twice as much as-
Morrissey: -Be quiet, Boz. I'll defend you, old son. It's what friends are for. [turning to Wossy] £80,000? That's a bit limited... for a TV personality on a Friday night slot... and the presenter is earning five million a year...
Mikey Bracewell: Jonathan, I think you'll find Boz works for the satisfaction of being part of the vehicle to deliver Morr-ee-say's seminal literary output. That's a tad different from being labelled a 'poof' on national tele, and having to sing show songs every Friday night in front of Cilla Black's old audience.
Jonathan Ross: That's the same thing that happened to them on a Friday night before they joined my show! It's what they do for fun!
Morrissey: Boz is just a part of a small covered wagon, with the wheels now off, incidentally. Boz Boorer has no desire to be on a low-brow talk show-
Boz Boorer: -That's right, Moz, but if you are short of poofs for your new show, Mr Ross, then I might-
Morrissey: [laughing uncomfortably] -Be quiet Boz.
Jonathan Ross: We'd be more than happy to accommodate you Boz. You could perform as Gaynor Tension. I've always said we need more transvestites on prime time TV!
Mikey Bracewell: I can't imagine Boz would consider lowering himself to such degrading work.
Boz Boorer: Maybe I should turn gay and become one of the poofs. At least then I could wear men's clothes while I work.
Jonathan Ross: You'd be a very successful gay man, Boz! The four poofs did once tell me you were 'their type!'
Boz Boorer: [smiles fulsomely, blushes]
Mikey Bracewell: I had no idea you were bi-curious, Boz...
Boz Boorer: I don't own an aeroplane at all, Mr Bracewell.
Morrissey [rolls his eyes, stares towards the life-size naked poster ofMorr-ee-say on the wall of the hotel suite]
Mam: Did you find out when Corrie is on, Steven?
Morrissey: I didn't, Mam - I forgot. [looking guilty]
Mam: [tuts, continues knitting]
Morrissey: I'm b*****d cold, Boz - sort it out immediately, and find out when Coronation Street will be broadcast on TV!
Boz Boorer: Yes sir, right away sir.
Morrissey: [flicks through a couple of pages of the Times, sips his tea, smiles softly]
Boz Boorer: -May I rub my hands on your back, sire?
Morrissey: Boz... [The seminal artiste lifts his eyes up from the page and fixes a glassy stare on Boz's eyes] Why would I want my back rubbed by your unkempt hands?
Boz Boorer: [looks at the floor, drags his toe around in a circle, looks at the ceiling] To keep warm, sire.
Morrissey: Heating instructions were given in the 'tour instructions' that Mikey supplied the MorrisseyBand with some weeks ago, on page seventeen, just after the MorrisseyBand Monopoly constitution. Are you telling me you haven't read the instructions on heating arrangements, old son?
Boz Boorer: [shakes his head, looks despondent]
Jonathan Ross: Boz, you negligent f***!
Mam: [looks up from her knitting and glances at Wossy, sighs and continues knitting]
Morrissey: What sort of a butler are you, Boz? It's all very well casting envious glances towards Jonathan's low-brow TV show, but how about actually fulfilling your contractual obligations to your employer, old son?
Boz Boorer: I'm sorry, sir-
Morrissey: Mikey, perhaps you could help Boz out. We don't want to humiliate the great lump-
Mikey Bracewell: -Boz, the instructions did clearly state on page seventeen that Morr-ee-say's hotel guests should be seated in a circle facing away from the seminal artiste at a distance of precisely seven feet four inches, but that in the event of the artiste feeling a little chilly, his guests should be moved in by one foot each hour until the artiste announces that, and I quote: "we are most satisfied."
Boz Boorer: [loudly encourages the guests to stand up, rearranges the chairs, measuring the distance with his tape measure on his hands and knees, showing some arse cleavage as he does so]
Ten minutes later everyone is sitting a foot closer to the seminal artiste and he is smirking at an article in the Times, appearing quite sanguine.
Morrissey: Have you forgotten something, Boz?
Boz Boorer: [looks blank]
Morrissey: -Coronation Street... [rolls his eyes, juts out his jaw]... and bring me some asprin..!
Boz Boorer: Yes, sir, at once sir. [he leaves the room]
Morrissey: The art of doing nothing is the art of capitalism.
Mikey Bracewell: I thought you were a socialist, Morr-ee-say-
Morrissey: I am, Mikey. I was being ironic.
Jonathan Ross: [smiles glibly]
Mam: Can I have one of those nice biscuits you have, Steven? The gluten-free ones?
Morrisey: [shouting] Boz...! Boz...!
My '@TheRatsBack' twitter account remains closed (as does Astra's, Broken's etc), but I used the '@UpthePier' account yesterday to ask for 5 re-tweets if people wanted me to do the usual Tuesday chart countdown today. I received two.
Over and out.
TWITTTERDILLY CHART (Not Broadcast)
1. LIFE IS A PIGSTY (LIVE AT THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL 2007) - MORRISSEY (RE-ENTRY): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTSk7W4LAfA
2. OBOE CONCERTO - MORRISSEY (DOWN 1): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mG_IDcxFRKs
3. SING YOUR LIFE (LIVE ON THE TONIGHT SHOW 1991) : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1hjbPfynKM
4. SOME GIRLS ARE BIGGER THAN OTHERS (LIVE IN BERLIN 2009) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6kNYuhdX-U&feature=youtu.be
5. ZOU BISOU BISOU - GILLIAN HILLS (NEW ENTRY): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HTfkcMxl8M&feature=youtu.be
6. FRIDAY MOURNING (LIVE IN BIRMINGHAM 2004) - MORRISSEY (NEW ENTRY): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6i7zuQ4N0M&feature=youtu.be
7. ALL THE LAZY DYKES (LIVE IN LONDON 2004) - MORRISSEY (RE-ENTRY): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=86_adV-vK4g
8. LET ME KISS YOU - NANCY SINATRA (RE-ENTRY): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pmj6VqmMVyo&feature=youtu.be
9. ISTANBUL (LIVE IN AUSTIN 2014) - MORRISSEY (RE-ENTRY): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4h9J03Dtxao&feature=youtu.be
10. BOXERS - MORRISSEY (RE-ENTRY): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UANBdod8Nuk
11. I'M NOT A MAN (LIVE IN PARIS 2014) - MORRISSEY (DOWN 9): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KV5EBlNC9jk
12. REEL AROUND THE FOUNTAIN (LIVE IN DERBY 1983) - THE SMITHS (DOWN 9): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfvGbgUnsdA
13. I WILL CHANGE MY LIFE (PLUS MORRISSEY'S HANDSHAKE WITH GEORGE -BOTH DURING SPEEDWAY - LIVE IN PARIS 2014) - MORRISSEY (DOWN 7): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfgcozvAtsQ
14. EVERYDAY IS LIKE SUNDAY (LIVE IN HELSINKI 2014) - MORRISSEY (DOWN 7): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSpWK19XscQ&feature=youtu.be
15. TROUBLE LOVES ME (LIVE IN LONDON 2014) - MORRISSEY (DOWN 6): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-L9W-27XWEM
16. ART-hOUNDS (LIVE IN LONDON 2011) - MORRISSEY (DOWN 5): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWTibZkqPNU&feature=youtu.be
17. BALLAD OF THE MIGHTY I - NOEL GALLAGHER (DOWN 2): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bzQYtpjMjSo#t=195